Wow, 2017 has been rough! However, there were some big blessings sprinkled in that year of rough patches and deep valleys. I welcomed a sweet new grandbaby and watching my sweet little Jbaby become a big sister has just been the best thing ever. Best part of the year.
In 2017 I lost my way a bit. OK, a lot. My business struggled some. I battled depression, again. I’ve kicked the antidepressants and even though some of the lows were very low, I’m glad to have them out of my system. Menopause is in full swing…adding to the challenge of giving up pharmaceutical help. I clung to relationships that have not been the best for me. I let a few people take advantage of my kindness both personally and professionally. I felt exhausted. I got really fed up with all the advice. I tried to listen to my gut, but honestly my “gut instinct” is pretty damn fickle. I’ve been uncertain about which way to turn a lot of the time. And on top of it all, I’ve been very, very hard on myself.
I went to sleep last night feeling lost, sad, devastated at how some things have turned out this year. I wanted to feel excited about the upcoming year. But how could I when I was so sad? I wanted to journal and focus on positive things….I just couldn’t muster up the gumption to do it.
I felt different when I woke up this morning.
I’m a sucker for fresh starts. The new year, a new month, even a Monday all fill me with hope and determination. And today is all three.
The thing is, I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to feel lost.
I want to be:
The past few days I’ve been reading a lot about feeling better. All the reading reminded me that I’ve been through this before. And I’ve survived and came out on the other side brighter, happier, more joyful and positive. Living with depression is hard. It’s hard to remember when the darkness is it’s worst that the sun returns. But it always does. And I’m going to keep looking for the sunshine and enjoy every minute of it when I see it shining.
I’ve been wanting to blog about my struggle with depression for the last year. I’ve been afraid. So afraid. Afraid of people finding out. Afraid of the people who kind of know finding out that it’s worse than they thought. Afraid to be vulnerable and exposed. I’ve been ashamed of it. That shame gives it power over me…I think.
I like to be positive. I like to look at the bright side and I have my handy set of rose-colored glasses, but sometimes it’s a mask. It’s who I want to be all the time though or least most of the time. I know the valleys and the darkness will come, but I need to find ways to prepare myself for them. I need to be more diligent about fighting it off when I first see the darkness arriving. I need to find and cling to the things that make my times in the valley of darkness short. I have tools that I lean on, but sometimes the darkness comes quickly and it gets really f-ing dark. So dark that I can’t find a flashlight to find my tools. I lose sight of those things that help me through the darkness.
I need to remember, I have the tools. I have beaten this before. This is only temporary.
I have a friend who tells me “this too shall pass.” (Which I know is so true, but when you’re lost it’s so hard to remember.) He also has told me that his mother used to say the Bible says “it came to pass” thousands of times (I don’t remember the number or know how true it is) but it never says “it came to stay.”
So today I will remember this too shall pass.
And I will hang onto the hope for happy days ahead. And I will enjoy the bit of sun that shined on me today and helped me to even write this post.
I want to start writing about the little things that help me remember who I am. I am Thauna. I am strong, resilient, loved, tenacious, joyful, kind and oh so very grateful.
Welcome 2018 and here’s to some happy days ahead!