Do you know why I loved him?
Because he loved me and made me feel special and oh so loved.
Do you know how he made me smile?
With the same corny jokes over and over. Just by texting ‘hey.’ Surprise visits. With a kiss. With the right thing to say, everytime.
Do you know how he looked at me?
Like I was the most beautiful/funny/sexy/witty woman in the world. Like he loved me with his whole soul.
Do you know how he made me feel?
Safe. Like everything was possible. Like I was the most loved and luckiest woman in the world.
Do you know what I feared?
That it would all change.
Do you know how well he knew me?
Better than anyone in the world. Anyone.
Do you know what he kept from me?
Do you know how long I loved him?
Seems like forever. 18 years. 3 year and 8 months.
Do you know what he said to me?
I love you. You’ll never lose me. We are meant to be together. I’ve never stopped loving you. I should have played a different hand. Please don’t leave me. I can’t get enough of you. I miss you. I love — talking to you…kissing you…making love to you. You are the bright spot in my day. I love you. I have always loved you. You will always have my heart.
Do you know what he promised me?
The future. To be my rock. To never hurt me. Coffee on Sunday mornings. Long drives and road trips. To teach me to fly fish. To live out our dreams together. To build a life. Long slow kisses and full days in bed with snacks. Hot dogs on the barbeque. To always be my cheerleader. To never leave me. That I could never lose him. To be my partner.
Do you know what secrets he held for me?
Everything I never wanted to tell anyone.
Do you know how he loved me?
No. No one will ever know that but me and him.
Do you know how he listened to me or how he talked to me?
He paid attention to every detail. He adored every silly gesture. He loved me at my worst, most crazy, and best days ever. He listened to me babble on about concerts, TV, and practice Italian for hours and hours. He tried to learn a little Italian to impress me. He told me about his days. We talked for hours about anything, everything, and nothing. And still had more to talk about.
Do you know what he did to me?
He drove me crazy with a mixture of the biggest love and broken promises.
Do you know what he gave me?
Love. Lies. Hugs. Kisses. Passion. Disappointment. Flowers. Support. Friendship. Heartache. Promises. Deep conversations. Therapy. Delays. Crazy making. Life-affirming. Love. A ring. Someone to depend on. Plans. A future. Tacos. Lunches. Strawberries. Time. Love. Broken promises. More promises. Joy. Pain. Happiness. Sadness.
Do you know what I loved about him?
His eyes. His smile. His mustache. His touch. His kiss. His attention. His love. The way he looked at me. The way he always had to hold my hand or touch me, constantly. Did I say his kiss? The way we made out like it was our parttime job. The way he listened to me. Remembered everything I said. Made me feel so loved and cared for. The way he said I love you. The way he looked at me when he said it. The way he held me–he never let go first. The way he was so patient with me.
Do you know what he did to me?
He loved me. He broke me. He loved me. He made me crazy. He broke his promises. He loved me. He betrayed me. He loved me. He promised me. He built up my hope. He left me.
Do you know why I couldn’t walk away?
Because I loved him. Because he loved me. Because he promised. Because he said, I don’t want you to. Because I believed him. Because I had hope.
Do you know what he didn’t say to me?
I’m sorry. Goodbye. I know I hurt you. I lied.
Do you know how I survived?