Get Real

Do you know why I loved him?
Because he loved me and made me feel special and oh so loved.

Do you know how he made me smile?
With the same corny jokes over and over. Just by texting ‘hey.’ Surprise visits. With a kiss. With the right thing to say, everytime.

Do you know how he looked at me?
Like I was the most beautiful/funny/sexy/witty woman in the world. Like he loved me with his whole soul.

Do you know how he made me feel?
Safe. Like everything was possible. Like I was the most loved and luckiest woman in the world.

Do you know what I feared?
That it would all change.

Do you know how well he knew me?
Better than anyone in the world. Anyone.

Do you know what he kept from me?
The truth.

Do you know how long I loved him?
Seems like forever. 18 years. 3 year and 8 months.

Do you know what he said to me?
I love you. You’ll never lose me. We are meant to be together. I’ve never stopped loving you. I should have played a different hand. Please don’t leave me. I can’t get enough of you. I miss you. I love — talking to you…kissing you…making love to you. You are the bright spot in my day. I love you. I have always loved you. You will always have my heart.

Do you know what he promised me?
The future. To be my rock. To never hurt me. Coffee on Sunday mornings. Long drives and road trips. To teach me to fly fish. To live out our dreams together. To build a life. Long slow kisses and full days in bed with snacks. Hot dogs on the barbeque. To always be my cheerleader. To never leave me. That I could never lose him. To be my partner.

Do you know what secrets he held for me?
Everything I never wanted to tell anyone.

Do you know how he loved me?
No. No one will ever know that but me and him.

Do you know how he listened to me or how he talked to me?
He paid attention to every detail. He adored every silly gesture. He loved me at my worst, most crazy, and best days ever. He listened to me babble on about concerts, TV, and practice Italian for hours and hours. He tried to learn a little Italian to impress me. He told me about his days. We talked for hours about anything, everything, and nothing. And still had more to talk about.

Do you know what he did to me?
He drove me crazy with a mixture of the biggest love and broken promises.

Do you know what he gave me?
Love. Lies. Hugs. Kisses. Passion. Disappointment. Flowers. Support. Friendship. Heartache. Promises. Deep conversations. Therapy. Delays. Crazy making. Life-affirming. Love. A ring. Someone to depend on. Plans. A future. Tacos. Lunches. Strawberries. Time. Love. Broken promises. More promises. Joy. Pain. Happiness. Sadness.

Do you know what I loved about him?
His eyes. His smile. His mustache. His touch. His kiss. His attention. His love. The way he looked at me. The way he always had to hold my hand or touch me, constantly. Did I say his kiss? The way we made out like it was our parttime job. The way he listened to me. Remembered everything I said. Made me feel so loved and cared for. The way he said I love you. The way he looked at me when he said it. The way he held me–he never let go first. The way he was so patient with me.

Do you know what he did to me?
He loved me. He broke me. He loved me. He made me crazy. He broke his promises. He loved me. He betrayed me. He loved me. He promised me. He built up my hope. He left me.

Do you know why I couldn’t walk away?
Because I loved him. Because he loved me. Because he promised. Because he said, I don’t want you to. Because I believed him. Because I had hope.

Do you know what he didn’t say to me?
I’m sorry. Goodbye. I know I hurt you. I lied.

Do you know how I survived?
Me either.

 

On the good days, I feel…

• buoyant and resilient
• confident and ready to take on the world
• joyful and happy
• like I can get through this
• relieved and free

On the bad days, I feel…

• heartbroken
• like I lost my best friend
• confused and wondering about all the why’s
• like crying a lot
• stuck

On the good days, I am…

• productive
• calm

On the bad days, I am…

• moody and messy
• anxious and sad

On the good days I…

• dance and laugh

On the bad days I…

• brood and remember

To more good days!

Have you ever needed an apology? Deeply needed it. Even the simplest “I’m sorry I hurt you” apology can heal wounds. No explanations needed. I know how you hurt me and I don’t need to know the reasons. I don’t need your excuses.

But the words…they do mean so much. They can be the ointment on a deep wound. Doesn’t heal it or make it go away, but sometimes it can be a comfort and possibly aid in the healing just a bit.

What about when you never get the apology?

An apology doesn’t need to partner with a reconciliation of any kind. A broken relationship doesn’t need to be mended for an apology to be needed or valid or accepted. You can still walk away. I don’t need you in my life, but I may still need an apology.

I’ve been struggling with this for a while. Why do I need or want an apology? I don’t expect a change in the circumstance. I don’t need to see any changed behavior. I really don’t even care if I speak to you again. But I want to hear “I’m sorry I hurt you.” It’s the validation that I am a human being who cared enough for you to hurt me in the first place. It’s about an acknowledgment that the person involved cut me to my soul. Wounded me deeply.

Just say you’re sorry and move along. I don’t have time or place in my life for anyone who could hurt me so badly anyway. But I want you to acknowledge that you hurt me. I want those few little words.

Maybe they wouldn’t matter. It’s just words after all.

But words do mean so much. Words are powerful. They can encourage. They can hurt. They can make amends. Including the words to yourself. (I wrote that on Facebook this morning before I started this post, obviously, I had more to say about the matter.)

Sometimes when you need an apology you also need to give one. As I have been searching for my why I need an apology I kept thinking I OWE an apology.

I believe apologies can heal in both directions. They heal the receiver and the giver. Every time I thought I wanted an apology I realized more deeply that I owed a big one (to someone else, btw).

I hope my apology is taken in the spirit it was given. I was hard but I am sorry. Maybe my apology to someone else can heal me a little as well.

Today this song is giving me life. Fighting my way through and finding my way to keep going.

I’m sad. Again. I don’t really like to use the word depressed. It’s so depressing. But it’s true. Sometimes I have to remind myself this is a disorder. Sure there are things I can do to fight it. But there are also times that it’s bigger than my fight.

Last January I went cold turkey off anti-depressants. It was hell. The withdrawal symptoms were just awful, physical and emotional. I was on them for the better part of 24 years. Occasionally I did attempt going off of them only to bottom out again within 3-6 months. And then I’d go back.

Today I’m 14 months without any anti-depressant medication. I’m determined to never go back on them. The side effects and the withdrawal is not something I want to deal with again.

But this persistent sadness needs to go too.

How much of it is situational? Yeah, I got some personal shit going on. Drama in the love department. Does that feed my sadness beast. Or is the sadness beast the reason I can’t walk away from the love drama? Chicken/egg.

How much of this current low point is seasonal? I do get the winter blues and I’m anxious for Spring and warm sunshine and flowers and green grass.

How much of this is just plain feeling sorry for myself and wallowing? Ugh, I hate that. Wallowing. Rumination. Intrusive thoughts.

How much of it is truly a lack of serotonin and other physical aspects? I just ordered a new supplement to help my body create more serotonin, hopefully that will help some.

I don’t want to feed the sadness beast, but sometimes I can’t seem to help it. I wallow. I fret. I isolate. I can relate to that old fashioned term of “taking to bed.” I know there are things that help me feel better but for the life of me I can’t even force myself to do them. I don’t even want to do my favorite things. I feel stuck. Stuck in the darkness.

I’ve worn out my friends. I’m such a downer. Depression has cost me a lot. Lost days, lost opportunities.

Happy thoughts. Must think happy thoughts. Some how I need to take baby steps towards the sunshine in my soul. It’s there somewhere.

Today I’m going to make a list of all the things that lift my spirits and see if I can get myself to do just one today. But first I’m going to go douse myself in essential oils. Especially grapefruit, that usually helps.

I was going to leave this post as a draft and just use it to get some thoughts out on “paper” for myself. But if I truly want to write about my journey out of depression I guess I need to be honest about the bad days too. This beast has taken too much away from me and I want my control back. Here I go again, fighting my way out of the dark valley.

Wow, 2017 has been rough! However, there were some big blessings sprinkled in that year of rough patches and deep valleys. I welcomed a sweet new grandbaby and watching my sweet little Jbaby become a big sister has just been the best thing ever. Best part of the year.

In 2017 I lost my way a bit. OK, a lot. My business struggled some. I battled depression, again. I’ve kicked the antidepressants and even though some of the lows were very low, I’m glad to have them out of my system. Menopause is in full swing…adding to the challenge of giving up pharmaceutical help. I clung to relationships that have not been the best for me. I let a few people take advantage of my kindness both personally and professionally. I felt exhausted. I got really fed up with all the advice. I tried to listen to my gut, but honestly my “gut instinct” is pretty damn fickle. I’ve been uncertain about which way to turn a lot of the time. And on top of it all, I’ve been very, very hard on myself.

I went to sleep last night feeling lost, sad, devastated at how some things have turned out this year. I wanted to feel excited about the upcoming year. But how could I when I was so sad? I wanted to journal and focus on positive things….I just couldn’t muster up the gumption to do it.

I felt different when I woke up this morning.

I’m a sucker for fresh starts. The new year, a new month, even a Monday all fill me with hope and determination. And today is all three.

The thing is, I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to feel lost.

I want to be:

• inspired
• joyful
• happy
• creative
• productive
• loved
• connected
• grateful

The past few days I’ve been reading a lot about feeling better. All the reading reminded me that I’ve been through this before. And I’ve survived and came out on the other side brighter, happier, more joyful and positive. Living with depression is hard. It’s hard to remember when the darkness is it’s worst that the sun returns. But it always does. And I’m going to keep looking for the sunshine and enjoy every minute of it when I see it shining.

I’ve been wanting to blog about my struggle with depression for the last year. I’ve been afraid. So afraid. Afraid of people finding out. Afraid of the people who kind of know finding out that it’s worse than they thought. Afraid to be vulnerable and exposed. I’ve been ashamed of it. That shame gives it power over me…I think.

I like to be positive. I like to look at the bright side and I have my handy set of rose-colored glasses, but sometimes it’s a mask. It’s who I want to be all the time though or least most of the time. I know the valleys and the darkness will come, but I need to find ways to prepare myself for them. I need to be more diligent about fighting it off when I first see the darkness arriving. I need to find and cling to the things that make my times in the valley of darkness short. I have tools that I lean on, but sometimes the darkness comes quickly and it gets really f-ing dark. So dark that I can’t find a flashlight to find my tools. I lose sight of those things that help me through the darkness.

I need to remember, I have the tools. I have beaten this before. This is only temporary.

I have a friend who tells me “this too shall pass.” (Which I know is so true, but when you’re lost it’s so hard to remember.) He also has told me that his mother used to say the Bible says “it came to pass” thousands of times (I don’t remember the number or know how true it is) but it never says “it came to stay.”

So today I will remember this too shall pass.

And I will hang onto the hope for happy days ahead. And I will enjoy the bit of sun that shined on me today and helped me to even write this post.

I want to start writing about the little things that help me remember who I am. I am Thauna. I am strong, resilient, loved, tenacious, joyful, kind and oh so very grateful.

Welcome 2018 and here’s to some happy days ahead!