thoughts, musings, rants and other stuff
On the good days, I feel…
On the bad days, I feel…
On the good days, I am…
On the bad days, I am…
On the good days I…
On the bad days I…
To more good days!
Have you ever needed an apology? Deeply needed it. Even the simplest “I’m sorry I hurt you” apology can heal wounds. No explanations needed. I know how you hurt me and I don’t need to know the reasons. I don’t need your excuses.
But the words…they do mean so much. They can be the ointment on a deep wound. Doesn’t heal it or make it go away, but sometimes it can be a comfort and possibly aid in the healing just a bit.
What about when you never get the apology?
An apology doesn’t need to partner with a reconciliation of any kind. A broken relationship doesn’t need to be mended for an apology to be needed or valid or accepted. You can still walk away. I don’t need you in my life, but I may still need an apology.
I’ve been struggling with this for a while. Why do I need or want an apology? I don’t expect a change in the circumstance. I don’t need to see any changed behavior. I really don’t even care if I speak to you again. But I want to hear “I’m sorry I hurt you.” It’s the validation that I am a human being who cared enough for you to hurt me in the first place. It’s about an acknowledgment that the person involved cut me to my soul. Wounded me deeply.
Just say you’re sorry and move along. I don’t have time or place in my life for anyone who could hurt me so badly anyway. But I want you to acknowledge that you hurt me. I want those few little words.
Maybe they wouldn’t matter. It’s just words after all.
But words do mean so much. Words are powerful. They can encourage. They can hurt. They can make amends. Including the words to yourself. (I wrote that on Facebook this morning before I started this post, obviously, I had more to say about the matter.)
Sometimes when you need an apology you also need to give one. As I have been searching for my why I need an apology I kept thinking I OWE an apology.
I believe apologies can heal in both directions. They heal the receiver and the giver. Every time I thought I wanted an apology I realized more deeply that I owed a big one (to someone else, btw).
I hope my apology is taken in the spirit it was given. I was hard but I am sorry. Maybe my apology to someone else can heal me a little as well.
Today this song is giving me life. Fighting my way through and finding my way to keep going.
Fighter
Christina Aguilera
Well I thought I knew you, thinkin’ that you were true
Guess I, I couldn’t trust called your bluff time is up
‘Cause I’ve had enough
You were there by my side, always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames cause your greed sold me out in shame
After all of the stealing and cheating you probably think that
I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you’re wrong
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do, I wouldn’t know
Just how capable I am to pull through
So I want to say thank you
Cause it
‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
Never saw it coming, all of your backstabbing
Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I’d realize your game
I heard you’re goin’ round playin’, the victim now
But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame
‘Cause you dug your own grave
After all of the fights and the lies cause you’re wanting to haunt me
But that won’t work anymore, no more,
It’s over
‘Cause if it wasn’t for all of your torture
I wouldn’t know how to be this way now and never back down
So I want to say thank you
Cause it
‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust so cruel
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to know the truth
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself
Through living in denial
But in the end you’ll see
You won’t stop me
I am a fighter and I
I ain’t goin’ stop
There is no turning back
I’ve had enough
‘Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
It makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter
I’m sad. Again. I don’t really like to use the word depressed. It’s so depressing. But it’s true. Sometimes I have to remind myself this is a disorder. Sure there are things I can do to fight it. But there are also times that it’s bigger than my fight.
Last January I went cold turkey off anti-depressants. It was hell. The withdrawal symptoms were just awful, physical and emotional. I was on them for the better part of 24 years. Occasionally I did attempt going off of them only to bottom out again within 3-6 months. And then I’d go back.
Today I’m 14 months without any anti-depressant medication. I’m determined to never go back on them. The side effects and the withdrawal is not something I want to deal with again.
But this persistent sadness needs to go too.
How much of it is situational? Yeah, I got some personal shit going on. Drama in the love department. Does that feed my sadness beast. Or is the sadness beast the reason I can’t walk away from the love drama? Chicken/egg.
How much of this current low point is seasonal? I do get the winter blues and I’m anxious for Spring and warm sunshine and flowers and green grass.
How much of this is just plain feeling sorry for myself and wallowing? Ugh, I hate that. Wallowing. Rumination. Intrusive thoughts.
How much of it is truly a lack of serotonin and other physical aspects? I just ordered a new supplement to help my body create more serotonin, hopefully that will help some.
I don’t want to feed the sadness beast, but sometimes I can’t seem to help it. I wallow. I fret. I isolate. I can relate to that old fashioned term of “taking to bed.” I know there are things that help me feel better but for the life of me I can’t even force myself to do them. I don’t even want to do my favorite things. I feel stuck. Stuck in the darkness.
I’ve worn out my friends. I’m such a downer. Depression has cost me a lot. Lost days, lost opportunities.
Happy thoughts. Must think happy thoughts. Some how I need to take baby steps towards the sunshine in my soul. It’s there somewhere.
Today I’m going to make a list of all the things that lift my spirits and see if I can get myself to do just one today. But first I’m going to go douse myself in essential oils. Especially grapefruit, that usually helps.
I was going to leave this post as a draft and just use it to get some thoughts out on “paper” for myself. But if I truly want to write about my journey out of depression I guess I need to be honest about the bad days too. This beast has taken too much away from me and I want my control back. Here I go again, fighting my way out of the dark valley.
Wow, 2017 has been rough! However, there were some big blessings sprinkled in that year of rough patches and deep valleys. I welcomed a sweet new grandbaby and watching my sweet little Jbaby become a big sister has just been the best thing ever. Best part of the year.
In 2017 I lost my way a bit. OK, a lot. My business struggled some. I battled depression, again. I’ve kicked the antidepressants and even though some of the lows were very low, I’m glad to have them out of my system. Menopause is in full swing…adding to the challenge of giving up pharmaceutical help. I clung to relationships that have not been the best for me. I let a few people take advantage of my kindness both personally and professionally. I felt exhausted. I got really fed up with all the advice. I tried to listen to my gut, but honestly my “gut instinct” is pretty damn fickle. I’ve been uncertain about which way to turn a lot of the time. And on top of it all, I’ve been very, very hard on myself.
I went to sleep last night feeling lost, sad, devastated at how some things have turned out this year. I wanted to feel excited about the upcoming year. But how could I when I was so sad? I wanted to journal and focus on positive things….I just couldn’t muster up the gumption to do it.
I felt different when I woke up this morning.
I’m a sucker for fresh starts. The new year, a new month, even a Monday all fill me with hope and determination. And today is all three.
The thing is, I don’t want to be sad anymore. I don’t want to feel lost.
I want to be:
The past few days I’ve been reading a lot about feeling better. All the reading reminded me that I’ve been through this before. And I’ve survived and came out on the other side brighter, happier, more joyful and positive. Living with depression is hard. It’s hard to remember when the darkness is it’s worst that the sun returns. But it always does. And I’m going to keep looking for the sunshine and enjoy every minute of it when I see it shining.
I’ve been wanting to blog about my struggle with depression for the last year. I’ve been afraid. So afraid. Afraid of people finding out. Afraid of the people who kind of know finding out that it’s worse than they thought. Afraid to be vulnerable and exposed. I’ve been ashamed of it. That shame gives it power over me…I think.
I like to be positive. I like to look at the bright side and I have my handy set of rose-colored glasses, but sometimes it’s a mask. It’s who I want to be all the time though or least most of the time. I know the valleys and the darkness will come, but I need to find ways to prepare myself for them. I need to be more diligent about fighting it off when I first see the darkness arriving. I need to find and cling to the things that make my times in the valley of darkness short. I have tools that I lean on, but sometimes the darkness comes quickly and it gets really f-ing dark. So dark that I can’t find a flashlight to find my tools. I lose sight of those things that help me through the darkness.
I need to remember, I have the tools. I have beaten this before. This is only temporary.
I have a friend who tells me “this too shall pass.” (Which I know is so true, but when you’re lost it’s so hard to remember.) He also has told me that his mother used to say the Bible says “it came to pass” thousands of times (I don’t remember the number or know how true it is) but it never says “it came to stay.”
So today I will remember this too shall pass.
And I will hang onto the hope for happy days ahead. And I will enjoy the bit of sun that shined on me today and helped me to even write this post.
I want to start writing about the little things that help me remember who I am. I am Thauna. I am strong, resilient, loved, tenacious, joyful, kind and oh so very grateful.
Welcome 2018 and here’s to some happy days ahead!
…must come to an end. Bad things too. Things that no longer serve you or their purpose, time to purge those as well. I’m going through a “does this serve me or bring me joy” phase of purging. Yes, I have the book. But no I have not read it all. I felt like once I read that question that was all I really needed to know. Is it useful and does it make me happy.
Somethings are easy to quit, to end. It’s natural and you just realize after time that you gave up that popcorn before bed every night habit. Now the popcorn is occasional, like movie night or when I skip dinner.
Somethings (and some people) are deeply enmeshed in our thinking, our dependency, our habits. It’s hard. So hard.
But everything has a season. Some seasons are long and span decades. Some are short like our literal seasons. What is that saying about some people are in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime? Is that the way it goes?
Most of the time is very HARD to discern the difference. And what happens if they are in your life for a reason or a season and you wanted them for a lifetime?
Change is hard. Change is inevitable. Change can be exciting. But letting go of something you thought was a good thing, a lifetime thing. Well that just sucks. Big time.
I try to be flexible and to understand other points of view. To live in the moment. To enjoy the little bits of happiness that are scattered throughout my life as they come. I try to adjust my sails as needed to keep heading towards my dreams.
But sometimes.
Time runs out. Boundaries are crossed. You realize that maybe that differing opinion you have is a deal breaker. And that good thing you thought you had going….well it’s time for that to end.
So here I sit on a Sunday morning pondering endings and points where it is necessary to move on. To walk away from relationships that start to bring more pain than joy. To stick to boundaries and timelines. Or to throw out that collection of magazines you’ve moved 3 times. Or those clothes in the closet that you don’t wear and honestly, do I see myself wearing it again? Ever?
Get rid of those dishes that are piled up in the back of the cupboard. Make space for something pretty, something new.
Make space for something new. Make space for someone new. New love, new friends, new hobbies, new dishes, new outfits. Purge the things and the people that bring you down or bring in clutter and static.
Newness and freedom from whatever holds you down, creates the space and the energy to bring in what you need to keep you afloat. Adjust your sails as needed. Enjoy the journey.
Don’t rock the boat baby.
Don’t tip the boat over.
My boat has been taking on too much water. It’s time to plug up the holes and bail out the water. Relationships that are draining and “stuff” that makes me feel like there’s static in my home everywhere I look.
Enough is enough. Words and promises are meant to be kept. People who do not understand that can keep stepping. At home I only want things that make me happy (I love being surrounded by pretty, inspiring things), serve a purpose (you know the dishes and clothes that are useful), or have a deep emotional memory attached (photos and mementos). That stack of magazines…nope, to the recycle bin you go. People who continually hurt me and cause me pain and sadness…I wish you well.
A new season always feels like a good time to make changes for me. I love fresh starts.
Cheers to a new season and giving up the things holding me back and the people who were only meant for my life for a season or a reason.
To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time to be born, a time to die
A time to plant, a time to reap
A time to kill, a time to heal
A time to laugh, a time to weep
To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones
A time to gather stones together
To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time of love, a time of hate
A time of war, a time of peace
A time you may embrace
A time to refrain from embracing
To everything – turn, turn, turn
There is a season – turn, turn, turn
And a time to every purpose under heaven
A time to gain, a time to lose
A time to rend, a time to sew
A time for love, a time for hate
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late!
