Be Inspired

I ask myself this question all the time. And most often is all comes down to fear.

Fear. It’s what usually keeps me on the sidelines. The one not taking chances, not pursuing my dreams in a full-on way. It keeps me from chasing my dreams and living a safe (ok stuck) life.

I wouldn’t say I’m an overly fearful person. I’m not afraid of spiders, heights, or flying. But sometimes I’m very afraid of taking small chances. Afraid to pursue my dreams and set goals. My biggest fears are failing and/or making a fool of myself. I suppose that is common. I”m not as much afraid of the failing part as much as the people knowing I failed. I worry about what people think entirely too much.

In recent years my some of my dreams have gotten bigger than my fear. Big enough to get my attention and force me to make room for them.

I went to Italy alone. Because the thought of not going when I had an opportunity was worse than the thought of walking through that fear. And yet, I freak out a bit about going to the gym by myself.

I’m this close (…) to becoming a full-time entrepreneur. I have to design. Have to, it’s really all I want to do. Well besides hangout with the grandbaby and watch Justified. Years ago I didn’t think I had the entrepreneur gene. But really I just hadn’t discovered my passion yet.

And the day came when the risk of remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. –Anis Nin

When I feel down I think about all the ways I’ve been brave over the last few years.

And yet, there are areas that I’m still very stuck. Still afraid to try. Or more so, afraid to fail.

I’ve been pondering this for a while now and there are two areas where fear has gotten a hold of me: love and weight. It’s not a new realization but I’ve decided it’s time to work on it.

Last week I went to a conference in Denver, which brought up a whole lot of fear and social anxiety. I missed a few opportunities to meet people I admire. But then it became too uncomfortable to miss opportunities and started introducing myself even when I was scared. Sure I may have babbled a bit but I met some really awesome people. And those days are going on my brave list.

One of my biggest take aways from the conference came from Seth Godin (one of the ones I missed meeting) .

When you feel the fear dance with it. –Seth Godin

I like to dance.

I’m currently listening to Danielle LaPorte’s Fire Starter Sessions during my commute time. I’ve had this book on my nightstand or desk for way over a year. Maybe close to two. Haven’t read past the 2nd chapter.

Enter Audible.com and now I’m cooking with gas. Or the white hot fire of a Fire Starter. 🙂 Audible.com is helping me get through some books that I haven’t been able to create time to read. It’s great to put my drive time to use. From Italian practice to inspiration to a big work of wonderful fiction. I love it.

So much inspiration and wisdom in this book. I should be taking notes. I’m happy that I also have the written version so I can go through it again with a highlighter. Love it. Seriously. **Honestly, once in a while it’s a bit woo-woo for me, but that is rare. Just want to keep it real. 

For a few years now I’ve been trying to only take on things that excite me and make me happy. Life is too short to hang out with people or doing things that drain your energy. Or amp up your stress level.

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive
is too small for you
—David Whyte, poet

Amen.

I don’t know when it happened (sometime in the last 5 years), but I remember thinking what do I want people to think about me or remember me for? My answer was joy. I want people to think of me as joy-filled and joyful. I want to give be a source of fun, whimsy, light.

I wish those qualities came naturally to me. But what comes naturally is negative thinking, complaining, and really bad self talk.

I have to choose happy everyday. I like the way happy feels.

So tell me what lights you up? What adds that little pep in your step? Makes you giddy. Makes you talk fast so you can tell someone all about your passion while you have their attention.

This is what lights me up (as of this moment)

• JaNiyah Rose. My life being her Nana is amazing
• Designing pretty Web sites
• Italy – anything to do with Italy
• Learning Italian
• KISS. Did you know I will be seeing KISS in concert for the 7th time in June?!?!
• Justified. I can tell you for an hour all the reasons you should be watching this show. Besides Timothy Olyphant.
• Spring. This is the most wonderful time of the year. Coming out of the cocoon of winter to beautiful flowers, sun and green grass.
• The books on my favorite list. Top Five in no particular order: Anna Karenina, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime, Memoirs of a Geisha, The Time Traveler’s Wife, The History of Love. There are more than a few that are just outside of the top five and any given day the last two could change.
• Cookie Skillets at Chili’s. Also chips and salsa there.
• I’m going to two conferences this year…first time ever for my own business. One in Denver and one local.
• Instagramming the little moments of my days.
• Planning a trip to Italy for next year, co-coordinating a tour. This one should probably be higher on this list.
• Spring flowers.

When I look at this image a song that I used to sing with my children starts up on repeat in my head.

Santa Croce – Firenze, Italia

This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.
This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.
Hide it under a bushel? NO!
I’m going to let it shine.
Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

I can’t figure out how best to let my light shine. Which light am I suppose to let shine? I think there are multiple lights inside. Or maybe they are ideas. Yeah, ideas that are slowly burning, waiting for their time to shine.

I’m used to hiding under a bushel. I’m used to playing small. I’ve never thought I was anything special. Honestly, I have battled the “I’m not enough” demons all my life. This past couple of years I have finally started to understand that it’s a lie. A big fat lie.

That ugly lie still lurks in the dark corners. Sometimes when I try to shine or to live boldly it will sneak out and whisper to me when I’m not paying attention. I’ll find myself playing small and hiding under that old bushel. It’s comfortable there and sometimes I slip back without noticing it. I can get stuck there.  I don’t like it.

I have big dreams. Probably as many as the candles in the photo. There’s no room for those dreams under a bushel.

I have light to share. Whether it is pretty design for the Web or photography or just my little nuggets of wisdom from finding my way out from under that damn bushel.

I’m going to let it shine! Damnit!

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

A little restoration work

My mission and yes, I choose to accept it, is to root around in “there” in the dark to find those last remaining remnants of those old beliefs and lies I told myself. Shine some light on them and do some restoration work. Much like the restoration of an old church to its former beauty, I need to restore my belief in myself. I have days and pieces of believing in myself and letting my light shine. But I want it to be brighter and more resilient.

I want my light to withstand the breezes of self-doubt and the winds of criticism.

Right now, even when I’m feeling strong and secure criticism will leave me scrambling for the safety of my bushel. And I have a difficult time emerging and finding my light again.

I feel kind of weird about the fact that I’m 49 and still trying to figure out who I am and then working to be confident with myself. But hey, whatever it takes right?!? I spent my twenties raising children. Maybe I have it a bit backwards, so here I am looking at 50 off in the distance figuring what life is all about. Or trying to.