I’m sad. Again. I don’t really like to use the word depressed. It’s so depressing. But it’s true. Sometimes I have to remind myself this is a disorder. Sure there are things I can do to fight it. But there are also times that it’s bigger than my fight.
Last January I went cold turkey off anti-depressants. It was hell. The withdrawal symptoms were just awful, physical and emotional. I was on them for the better part of 24 years. Occasionally I did attempt going off of them only to bottom out again within 3-6 months. And then I’d go back.
Today I’m 14 months without any anti-depressant medication. I’m determined to never go back on them. The side effects and the withdrawal is not something I want to deal with again.
But this persistent sadness needs to go too.
How much of it is situational? Yeah, I got some personal shit going on. Drama in the love department. Does that feed my sadness beast. Or is the sadness beast the reason I can’t walk away from the love drama? Chicken/egg.
How much of this current low point is seasonal? I do get the winter blues and I’m anxious for Spring and warm sunshine and flowers and green grass.
How much of this is just plain feeling sorry for myself and wallowing? Ugh, I hate that. Wallowing. Rumination. Intrusive thoughts.
How much of it is truly a lack of serotonin and other physical aspects? I just ordered a new supplement to help my body create more serotonin, hopefully that will help some.
I don’t want to feed the sadness beast, but sometimes I can’t seem to help it. I wallow. I fret. I isolate. I can relate to that old fashioned term of “taking to bed.” I know there are things that help me feel better but for the life of me I can’t even force myself to do them. I don’t even want to do my favorite things. I feel stuck. Stuck in the darkness.
I’ve worn out my friends. I’m such a downer. Depression has cost me a lot. Lost days, lost opportunities.
Happy thoughts. Must think happy thoughts. Some how I need to take baby steps towards the sunshine in my soul. It’s there somewhere.
Today I’m going to make a list of all the things that lift my spirits and see if I can get myself to do just one today. But first I’m going to go douse myself in essential oils. Especially grapefruit, that usually helps.
I was going to leave this post as a draft and just use it to get some thoughts out on “paper” for myself. But if I truly want to write about my journey out of depression I guess I need to be honest about the bad days too. This beast has taken too much away from me and I want my control back. Here I go again, fighting my way out of the dark valley.
