I’m on the brink of a big decision. It’s kind of a big, scary decision.
A decision that I’ve been working towards for years. I feel ready. I’ve been planning and building towards it. Yesterday I realized I’m close, really close, to meeting the goal I set. The goal that lets me know I can make this decision.
Did I do a happy dance? No! I came this close (…) to a panic attack and then spent the rest of the day on the verge of tears.
So what’s up with that? Why do I feel so freaked out and want to cry when I realize I’m closing in a goal that I’ve been working so hard on for several years? I should be happy, right?!?!
Deep down under the fear I am happy. But I couldn’t shake the fear. That little, annoying voice that tries to tell me that I should play it safe.
But my heart reminds me of all the things I know about fear:
- Walk through the fear
- Feel the fear and do it anyway
- If you’re not scared you’re not doing anything important
- When you feel the fear, dance with it
You can say those are all cliches but I think they are true-isms.
I don’t want to be in a safe little box or life. I have big, bold dreams. I’m ready to create the life of my dreams. So how do I bust through this fear and believe in myself in order to really go for it in a big way?
One thing that continues to work for me is to remember times that I have been brave or been scared but walked through it anyway. Times that I followed my heart and kept going even though I was scared.
I never really thought of myself as brave. I don’t climb mountains or jump out of airplanes. Last fall I had a bit of a “blue” episode. It lasted for a few weeks and then a month or so. I couldn’t figure out way I was feeling so down. Maybe it was a let down from the big excitement earlier in the year, going to Italy and buying a house. Part of it was that I had finally realized that a person who made a promise to me wasn’t going to follow through, which meant a chapter of my book I kept rereading needed to be closed.
One night during those moments before sleep when my mind races to think all the thoughts it can before sleep rescues me, the realization hit me: I am brave. I went to Italy alone, even though I was scared. I bought a house, even though I was scared.
Acting in spite of fear is brave. I am brave.
Now that wall that I face right before sleep is covered with photos from my trip to Italy. Just in case I forget.
So as I face this big decision I’ve been pondering the times I’ve been brave. And reliving the memories from what I think it one of my bravest days, more on that tomorrow.